Kaleidoscope, – Have you ever wondered why some people do not want to depend on or truly connect with anyone, even when in a relationship? Most of us aim to build strong relationships throughout our lives.
We are ‘hungry’ for love and affection. Why? Because emotional intimacy has many advantages. Namely, we are able to share our thoughts and feelings openly, we receive support and reassurance, we feel heard, appreciated, valued, and consequently, we feel calm and safe.
Emotional closeness can provide us with a feeling of stability – we are not going through life alone; we have someone to rely on. If we feel safe and valued by others, we are also able to maintain a higher self-esteem and a positive outlook on life.
If you are someone that needs to have close relationships and wants to rely on others (and have others rely on you), you have probably wondered why some people lack these basic human desires. How do they even make it work?
The truth is, this is most often not a conscious choice. The way we form relationships as adults has a lot to do with the way we formed our first social bonds as children with our caregivers.
The development of an anxious-avoidant attachment style in a child has much to do with the emotional availability of their caregivers. The caregivers do not necessarily neglect the child in general; they are present.
Nevertheless, they tend to avoid the display of emotion and intimacy and are often misattuned to the child’s emotional needs. Such caregivers are reserved and seem to back off when the child reaches out for support, reassurance and affection.
The caregivers are likely to become more distant as the situation gets more emotionally dense. They might become overwhelmed and want to get out. This is when their unavailability would be most evident.
The child expresses a need for closeness, but instead of receiving it, they perceive that the door is shut in their face. Parents whose children become avoidant might not only avoid expressing their own feelings.
They might also disapprove of and not tolerate any notable display of emotions from their children, regardless of whether it is negative (sadness / fear) or positive (excitement / joy).
When such display of emotions occurs, caregivers can become angry and try to disrupt the child’s behavior by telling the child to toughen up. The parent expects the young child to behave independent, serious, and reserved.
Being raised in such an environment is likely to cause an avoidant attachment style. Most often, the caregivers have this attachment style themselves. Since the parent was raised that way, they pass it on, unintentionally, to the next generation.
How does an avoidant adult behave in relationships?
For avoidant adults, social interactions and bonds remain on the surface. In order for a relationship to be meaningful and fulfilling, it has to become deep. That’s when you would ‘hit a wall’ when dealing with avoidant attachment style and relationships.
These individuals will let you be around them, but will not let you in. They tend to avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy. As soon as things get serious, dismissive/avoidant individuals are likely to close themselves off.
At this point, such people might try to find a reason to end a relationship. They might be highly annoyed by their partner’s behavior, habit, or even physical appearance. Consequently, they start drifting off and distancing themselves from the partner. Adults with this attachment style believe that they do not need emotional intimacy in their lives.
This is a direct result of their upbringing. Their caregivers showed them that people cannot be relied on. Whenever they sought emotional support in the past, it was not provided. They simply stop seeking or expecting it from others. It’s as if they have ‘turned off the switch’.
- Identify withdrawal urges: Notice when you feel the automatic impulse to shut down, ghost, or pick minor flaws in a partner as an excuse to pull away.
- Watch for hyper-independence: Acknowledge when relying solely on yourself is a defense mechanism against the fear of being let down or controlled.
- Track physical stress: Notice body tension or a racing heart during heavy emotional talks, recognizing these as nervous system signals rather than real danger.
- Daily check-ins: Pause throughout the day to name what you are feeling, even if it feels foreign or minor at first. [1]
- Sit with discomfort: Practice staying present with vulnerable emotions using deep breathing or grounding exercises instead of instantly distracting yourself.
- Challenge old beliefs: Replace thoughts like “I have to handle everything alone” or “Vulnerability equals weakness” with thoughts like “Sharing my feelings is safe”.
- Micro-disclosures: Share small, honest thoughts or minor worries with a trusted friend or partner, slowly increasing depth over time.
- Communicate your process: Instead of disappearing when overwhelmed, say something short like: “I am feeling a bit flooded right now and need a 20-minute pause, but I care about this and will come back to talk”.
- Allow others to support you: Practice letting a partner do a small favor or show up for you without immediately feeling like you owe them or are losing your freedom.